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cathedral by raymond carver this blind man an old friend of my wife's he was on his way to spend the night his wife had died so he was visiting the dead wife's relatives in connecticut he called my
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wife from his in-laws arrangements were made he would come by train a five hour trip and my wife would meet him at the station she hadn't seen him since she worked for him one summer in Seattle ten
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years ago but she and the blind man had kept in touch they made tapes and mailed them back and forth I wasn't enthusiastic about his visit he was no one I knew and his being
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blind bothered me my idea of blindness came from the movies in the movies the blind moved slowly and never laughed sometimes they were led by seeing eye dogs a blind man in my house was not something I looked forward to
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that summer in Seattle she had needed a job she didn't have any money the man she was going to marry at the end of the summer was an officer's training school he didn't have any money either but she was in love with the guy and he
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was in love with her etc she'd seen something in the paper Help Wanted reading to a blind man and a telephone number she phoned and went over was hired on the spot she worked with this
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blind man all summer she read stuff to him case studies reports that sort of thing she helped him organize his little office in the county social service department they become good friends my wife and the
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blind man on her last day in the office the blind man asked if he could touch her face she agreed to this she told me he touched his fingers to every part of her face her nose even her neck she never forgot it she even tried to write
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a poem about it she was always trying to write a poem she wrote a poem or two every year usually after something really important had happened to her when we first started going out together she showed me the poem in the poem she
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recalled his fingers and the way they had moved round over her face in the poem she talked about what she had felt at the time about what went through her mind when the blind man touched her nose and lips I can remember I didn't think
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much of the poem of course I didn't tell her maybe I just don't understand poetry I admit it's not the first thing I reach for when I pick up something to read anyway this man who'd first enjoyed her
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favors this officer to be he'd been her childhood sweetheart so okay I'm saying at the end of the summer she led the blind man run his hands over her face said goodbye to him married her
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childhood etc who was now a commissioned officer and she moved away from Seattle but they'd keep in touch she in the blind man she'd made the first contact after a year or so she called them one
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night from an Air Force Base in Alabama she wanted to talk they talked he asked her to send him a tape and tell him about her life she did this she sent the tape on the tape she told the blind man
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she loved her husband but she didn't like it where they lived and she didn't like that he was a part of the military industrial thing she told the blind man she'd written a poem and he was in it she told them that she was writing a
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poem about what it was like to be an Air Force officer's wife the poem wasn't finished yet she was still writing it the blind man made a tape he sent her the tape she
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made a tape this went on for years my wife's officer was posted to one base and then another she sent tapes from Moody AFB McGuire McConnell and finally
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Travis near Sacramento where one night she got to feeling lonely and cut off from people she kept losing in that moving around life she got the feeling she couldn't go at another step she went in and swallowed all the pills and
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capsules in the medicine chest and washed them down with a bottle of gin then she got into a hot bath and passed out but instead of dying she got sick she threw up her officer why should he
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have a name he was a childhood sweetheart and what more does he want came home from somewhere found her and called the ambulance in time she put it all on the tape and sent the tape to the
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blind man over the years she put all kinds of stuff on tapes and sent the tapes off lickety-split next to writing a poem every year I think their chief means of recreation on one tape
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she told the blind man she decided to live away from her officer for a time on another tape she told him about her divorce she and I began going out and of course she told her blind man about it
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she told them everything or so it seemed to me once she asked me if I'd like to hear the latest tape from the blind man this was a year ago I was on the tape she said so I said okay I'd listen to it
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I got his drinks and we settled down in the living room we made ready to listen first she inserted the tape into the player and adjusted a couple of dials then she pushed a lever the tape
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squeaked and someone began to talk in this loud voice she lowered the volume after a few minutes of harmless chitchat I heard my own name in the mouth of this stranger this blind man I didn't even
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know and then this from all you said about him and I can only conclude but we were interrupted a knock at the door something and we didn't ever get back to the tape maybe it was just as well I'd
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heard all I wanted to now this same blind man was coming over to sleep in my house maybe I could take him bowling I said to my wife she was out the draining board doing scalloped potatoes she put
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down the knife she was using and turned around if you loved me she said you can do this for me if you don't love me okay but if you had a friend any friend and the friend came to visit I'd make him
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feel comfortable she wiped her hands with a dish towel I don't have any blind friends I said you don't have any friends she said period besides she said god
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damn it his wife just died don't you understand that the man's lost his wife I didn't answer she told me a little about the blind man's wife her name was boola boola that's a name for a colored
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woman was his wife a Negro I asked are you crazy my wife said have you just flipped or something she picked up a potato I saw it hit the floor then roll under the stove
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what's wrong with you she said are you drunk I'm just asking I said right then my wife filled me in with more detail than I care to know I made a drink and sat at
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the kitchen table to listen pieces of the story began to fall into place Beulah had gone to work for the blind man the summer after my wife had stopped working for him pretty soon Beulah and the blind man had
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themselves a church wedding it was a little wedding who'd want to go to such a wedding in the first place just the two of them plus a minister and the minister's wife but it was a church wedding just the same it was what Beulah
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had wanted he'd said but even then Beulah must have been carrying the cancer in her glands after they'd been inseparable for eight years my wife's Ward inseparable beulas health
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went into a rapid decline she died in a seattle hospital room the blind man sitting beside the bed and holding onto her hand they'd married lived and worked together slept together
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had sex sure and then the blind man had to bury her all this without his having ever seen what the goddamn woman looked like it was beyond my understanding hearing this I felt sorry for the blind
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man for a little bit and then I found myself thinking what a pitiful life this woman must have led imagine a woman who could never see herself as she was seen in the eyes of her loved one a woman who
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could go on day after day and never received the smallest compliment from her beloved a woman whose husband could never read the expression on her face be it misery or something better someone who could wear makeup or not what
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difference to him she could if she wanted wear green eyeshadow around one eye a straight pin in her nostril yellow slacks and purple shoes no matter and then to slip off into death the blind
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man's hand on her hand his blind eye streaming tears I'm imagining now her last thought maybe this that he never even knew what she looked like and she on an Express to the grave Robert was
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left with a small insurance policy and half of a 20 peso mexican coin the other half of the coin went into the box with her pathetic so when the time rolled around my wife went to the depot
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to pick him up with nothing to do but wait sure I blamed him for that I was having a drink and watching the TV when I heard the car pull into the drive I got up from the sofa with my drink and went to
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the window to have a look I saw my wife laughing as she parked the car I saw her get out of the car and shut the door she was still wearing a smile just amazing she went around to the other side of the
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car to where the blind man was already starting to get out this blind man feature this he was wearing a full beard a beard on a blind man too much I say
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the blind man reached into the back seat and dragged out a suitcase my wife took his arm shut the car door and talking all the way moved him down the drive and then up the steps to the front porch I
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turned off the TV I finished my drink rinse the glass dried my hands then I went to the door my wife said I want you to meet Robert
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Robert and this is my husband I have told you all about him she was beaming she had this blind man by his coat-sleeve the blind man let go of a suitcase and up came his hand I took it
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he squeezed hard held my hand and then he let it go I feel like we've already met he boomed likewise I said I didn't know what else to say then I said
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welcome I've heard a lot about you we began to move then a little group from the porch into the living room my wife guiding him by the arm the blind man was carrying a suitcase in his other
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hand my wife said things like to your left here Robert that's right now watch it there's a chair that's it sit down right here this is a sofa we just bought this sofa
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two weeks ago I started to say something about the old sofa I'd like that old sofa but I didn't say anything then I wanted to say something else I'll talk about the scenic ride along
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the Hudson how going to New York you should sit on the right-hand side of the train and coming from New York the left-hand side did you have a good train ride I said which side of the train did
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you sit on by the way what a question which side my wife said what's it matter which side she said when I just asked I said right
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side the blind man said I hadn't been on a train in nearly 40 years not since I was a kid with my folks that's been a long time I'd nearly forgotten the sensation I have winter in my beard now
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he said so I've been told anyway do I look distinguished my dear the blind man said to my wife you look distinguished Robert she said Robert she said Robert
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it's just so good to see you my wife finally took her eyes off the blind man and looked at me I had the feeling she didn't like what she saw I shrugged I've never met or personally known anybody
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who was blind this blind man was late 40s and a heavyset balding man with stooped shoulders as if he carried a great weight there he wore brown slacks brown shoes a light brown shirt to tie
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sports coat spiffy he also had this full beard but he didn't use a cane and he didn't wear dark glasses idle we thought dark glasses were a must for the blind fact was I wish he had a pair at first
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glance his eyes looked like anyone elses but if you look close there was something different about them too much white in the iris for one thing and the pupils seemed to move around in the sockets without his knowing it or being
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able to stop it creepy as I stared at his face I saw the left pupil turn in toward his nose while the other made an effort to keep in one place but it was only an effort for that one I was on the
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roam without his knowing it or wanting it to be I said let me get you a drink what's your pleasure we have a little bit of everything it's one of our pastimes
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bub I'm a scotch man myself he said fast enough in his big voice right I said bub sure you are I knew it he let his fingers touch this
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suitcase which was sitting alongside the sofa he was taking his bearings I didn't blame him for that I'll move that up to your room my wife said no that's fine the blind
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man said loudly it can go up when I go up a little water with the Scotch I said very little he said I knew it I said he
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said just a tad the Irish actor Barry Fitzgerald I'm like that fellow when I drink water Fitzgerald said I drink water when I drink whiskey I drink whiskey
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my wife laughed the blind man brought his hand up under his beard he lifted his beard slowly and let it drop I did the drinks three big glasses of scotch
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with a splash of water in each then we made ourselves comfortable and talked about Roberts travels first a long flight from the west coast to Connecticut we covered that then from Connecticut up here by train
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we had another drink considering that leg of the trip I remembered having read somewhere that the blind didn't smoke because as speculation had it they couldn't see the smoke they exhaled and
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I thought I knew that much and that much only about blind people but this blind man smoked his cigarette down to the nubbin and then lit another one this blind man filled his ashtray and my wife
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emptied it when we sat down at the table for dinner we had another drink my wife heaped Roberts plate with cube steak scalloped potatoes green beans I buttered him up two slices of bread I
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said here's bread and butter for you I swallowed some of my drink now let us pray I said and the blind man lowered his head my wife looked at me her mouth
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the gape pray the phone won't ring and the food doesn't get cold and I said we dug in we ate everything there was on the table we ate like there was no tomorrow we didn't talk we ate we
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scarfed we grazed the table we were into serious eating this flying man had right away located his foods he knew just where everything was on his plate I watched with admiration as he used his
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knife and fork on the meat he'd cut two pieces of the meat forked the meat into his mouth and then go all out for the scalloped potatoes the beans next and then he'd tear off a hunk of buttered
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bread and eat that he'd follow this up with a big drink of milk it didn't seem to bother him to use his fingers once in a while either we finished everything including half a strawberry pie for a
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few moments we sat as if stunned sweat beated on our faces finally we got up from the table and left the dirty plates we didn't look back we took ourselves into the living room and sank into our
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places again Robert and my wife sat on the sofa and I took the big chair we had us two or three more drinks while they talked about the major things that had come to pass for them in the past 10 years for the most part I just listened
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no and then I joined in and I didn't want him to think I'd left the room and I didn't want her to think I was feeling left out they talked of things that had happened to them to them these past 10 years I waited in vain to hear my name
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on my wife's sweet lips and then my dear husband came into my life something like that but I heard nothing of the sort more talk of Robert Robert had done a little of everything it seemed a regular
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blind jack-of-all-trades but most recently he and his wife had had an away distributorship from which I gathered late earned a living such as it was the blind man was also a ham radio operator
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he talked in his loud voice about conversations he'd had with fellow operators in Guam in the Philippines in Alaska and even in Tahiti he said he'd have a lot of friends there if she ever wanted to go visit those places from
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time to time he'd turn his blind face toward me put his hand under his beard ask me something how long had I been in my present position three years did I like my work I didn't was I gonna stay with
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it what were the options finally when I thought he was beginning to run down I got up and turned on the TV my wife looked at me with irritation she was heading towards a boil then she looked
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at the blind man and said Robert do you have a TV the blind man said my dear I have two TVs and I have a color set and a black and white thing an old relic it's funny but if I turn the TV on and
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I'm always turning it on and I turn it on the color set it's funny don't you think I didn't know what to say to that I had absolutely nothing to say to that no opinion so I watched a news program
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and tried to listen to what the announcer was saying this is a color TV the blind man said don't ask me how but I can tell we traded up a while ago I
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said the blind man had another taste of his drink he lifted his beard sniffed it and let it fall he leaned forward on the sofa he positioned his ashtray on the coffee table then put the lighter to a
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cigarette he leaned back on the sofa and crossed his legs at the ankles my wife covered her mouth and then she ond she stretched she said I think I'll go upstairs and put on my robe I think I'll
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change into something else Robert you make yourself comfortable she said I'm comfortable the blind man said I want you to feel comfortable in this
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house she said I am comfortable the blind man said after she left the room he and I listened to the weather report and then to the sports roundup by that time she'd been gone so long I didn't
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know if she was going to come back I thought she might have gone to bed I wish he'd come back downstairs I didn't want to be left alone with a blind man I asked him if he wanted another drink and
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he said sure then I asked if he wanted to smoke some dope with me I said I just rolled the number I hadn't but I planned to do so in about two shakes little tries him
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with you he said damn right I said that's the stuff I got her drinks and sat down on the sofa with him then I rolled us two fat numbers I lit one and passed it I
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brought it to his fingers he took it and inhaled hold it as long as you can I said I could tell he didn't know the first thing my wife came back downstairs wearing her pink robe and her pink
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slippers what do I smell she said we thought we'd have us some cannabis I said my wife gave me a savage look then she looked at the blind man and said Robert I didn't know you smoked
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he said I do now my dear there's a first time for everything but I don't feel anything yet this stuff is pretty mellow I said this stuff is mild it's dope you
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can reason with I said it doesn't mess you up not much it doesn't bub he said and laughed my wife sat on the sofa between the blind man and me I passed
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her the number she took it and toked and then passed it back to me which way is this going she said then she said I shouldn't be smoking this I can hardly
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keep my eyes open as it is that dinner did me in I shouldn't have eaten so much it was a strawberry pie the blind man said that's what did it he said and he laughed his big laugh then he shook his
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head there's more strawberry pie I said do you want some more Robert my wife said maybe in a little while he said we gave our attention to the TV my wife he
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aund again she said your bed is made up when you feel like going to bed Robert I know you must have had a long day when you're ready to go to bed say so she pulled his arm Roberts he came to
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and said I've had a real nice time this beats tapes doesn't it I said coming at you and I put the number between his fingers he inhaled held the smoke and then let it go it was like he'd been
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doing this since he was 9 years old thanks bub he said but I think this is all for me I think I'm beginning to feel it he said he held the burning roach at
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for my wife same here she said ditto me too she took the roach and passed it to me I may just sit here for a while between you two guys with my eyes closed
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but don't let me bother you okay either one of you if it bothers you say so otherwise I may just sit here with my eyes closed until you're ready to go to bed she said your beds made up Robert
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when you're ready it's right next to our room at the top of the stairs will show you up when you're ready you wake me up now you guys if I fall asleep she said that and then she closed her eyes and
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went to sleep the news program ended I got up and changed the channel i sat back down on the sofa I wish my wife hadn't pooped out her head lay across the back of the sofa her mouth open
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she'd turned so that the robe had slipped away from her legs exposing a juicy thigh and I reached to draw her robe back over her and it was then that I glanced at the blind man what the hell
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I flipped the robe again you say when you want some strawberry pie I said I will he said and I said are you tired do you want me to take you up to your bed
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are you ready to hit the hay not yet he said no I'll just stay up with you bub if that's all right I'll stay up until you're ready to turn in we haven't had the chance to talk know what I mean
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I feel like me and her monopolized the evening he lifted his beard and he let it fall he picked up his cigarettes and his lighter that's all right I said then
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I said I'm glad for the company and I guess I was and every night I smoked dope and stayed up as long as I could before I fell asleep my wife and I hardly ever went to bed at the same time when I did go to sleep I had these
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dreams sometimes I'd wake up from one of them my heart going crazy something about the church in the Middle Ages was on the TV not your run-of-the-mill TV fare I wanted to
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watch something else I turned to the other channels but there was nothing on them either so I turned back to the first channel and apologized bub it's all right the blind man said and it's
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fine with me whatever you want to watch is okay I'm always learning something learning never ends it won't hurt me to learn something tonight I got a year's he said we didn't
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say anything for a time he was leaning forward with his head turned at me his right ear aim in the direction of the set I read disconcerting now and then his eyelids dropped and they snapped open again now and then he put
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his fingers into his beard and tugged like he was thinking about something he was hearing on the television on the screen a group of men wearing cows was being set upon and tormented by men dressed in skeleton costumes and men
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dressed as Devils the men dressed as Devils wore devil masks horns and long tails this pageant was part of a procession the Englishman who was narrating the thing said it took place in Spain once a year I tried to explain
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to the blind man what was happening skeletons he said I know about skeletons he said and he nodded the TV showed this one Cathedral then there was a long slow
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look at another one finally the picture switched to the famous one in Paris with its flying buttresses and its spires reaching up to the clouds the camera pulled away to show the whole of the cathedral rising above the skyline there
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were times when the Englishman who was telling the thing which shut up would simply let the camera move around over the cathedrals or else the camera would tour the countryside men in fields walking behind knocks and I waited as
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long as I could then I felt they had to say something I said they're showing the outside of this Cathedral now gargoyles little statues carved to look like monsters now I guess they're in Italy
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yeah they're in Italy there's paintings on the walls of this one church are those fresco paintings bub he asked and he sipped from his drink I reached for my glass but it was empty
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I tried to remember what I could remember you're asking me are those frescoes I said that's a good question I don't know the camera moved to a cathedral outside Lisbon the difference
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in the Portuguese Cathedral compared with a French and Italian were not that great but they were they're mostly the interior stuff then something occurred to me and I said something has occurred
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to me do you have any idea what a Cathedral is what they look like that is do you follow me if somebody says Cathedral to you do you have any notion what they're
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talking about do you know the difference between that and a Baptist Church say he let the smoke dribble from his mouth I know they took hundreds of workers fifty or a hundred years to build he said I
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just heard the man say that of course mmm I know generations of the same families worked on a Cathedral I heard him say that to the men who began their life's work on them they never lived to see the completion of their work in that
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way bub they are no different from the rest of us right he laughed then his eyelids drooped again his head nodded he seemed to be snoozing maybe was imagining himself in Portugal
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the TV was showing another Cathedral now the Englishman's voice droned on cathedrals the blind man said he sat up and ruled his head back and forth if you
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want the truth bub that's about all I know what I just said what I heard him say but maybe you could describe one to me I wish you'd do it I'd like that if you want to know I really don't have
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a good idea and I stared hard at the shot of the Cathedral on the TV how could I even begin to describe it but say my life depended on it say my life was being threatened by an insane guy who said I had to do it or
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else I stared some more at the cathedral before the picture flipped off into the countryside there was no use I turned to the blind man and said to begin with there very tall I was looking around the
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room for clues they reach way up up and up toward the Skai they're so big some of them they have to have these supports to help hold them up so to speak these supports are
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called buttresses they remind me of viaducts for some reason but maybe you don't know viaducts either sometimes the cathedrals have devils and such carved into the front sometimes lords and
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ladies don't ask me why this is I said he was nodding the whole upper part of his body seemed to be moving back and forth I'm not doing so good am i I said
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he stopped nodding and leaned forward on the edge of the sofa as he listened to me he was running his fingers through his beards I wasn't getting through to him I could see that but he waited for
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me to go on just the same he nodded like he was trying to encourage me I tried to think what else to say there really big I said they're massive they're built of
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stone marble too sometimes in those olden days when they built cathedrals men wanted to be close to God in those olden days God was an important part of everyone's life you could tell this from
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their Cathedral building I'm sorry I said but it looks like that's the best I can do for you I'm just no good at it that's alright bub the blind man said
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hey listen I hope you don't mind my asking you can I ask you something let me ask you a simple question yes or no I'm just curious and there's no offense you're my host but let me ask
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you if you are in any way religious you don't mind my asking I shook my head he couldn't see that though a wink is the same as a nod to a blind man I guess I
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don't believe in it in anything sometimes it's hard you know what I'm saying sure I do he said right I said the
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Englishman was still holding forth my wife side in her sleep she drew a long breath and went on with her sleeping you'll have to forgive me and I said but I can't tell you what a cathedral looks
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like it just isn't in me to do it I can't do any more than I've done the blind man sat very still his head down as he listened to me and I said the
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truth is cathedrals don't mean anything special to me nothing cathedrals there's something to look at on late-night TV that's all they are it was then that the blind man
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cleared his throat he brought something up he took a handkerchief from his back pocket then he said I get it bub it's okay it happens don't worry about it he
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said hey listen to me will you do me a favor I got an idea why don't you find us some heavy paper and a pen we'll do something we'll draw one together
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get us a pen and some heavy paper go on bub get the stuff he said so I went upstairs my legs felt like they didn't have any strength in them they felt like they did after I'd done some running in
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my wife's room and I looked around I found some ball points in the little basket on her table and then I tried to think where to look for the kind of paper he was talking about downstairs in the kitchen I found a shopping bag with
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onion skins in the bottom of the bag and I emptied the bag and shook it I brought it into the living room and sat down with it near his legs I move some things smooth the wrinkles from the bag spread
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it out on the coffee table the blind man got down from the sofa and sat next to me on the carpet he ran his fingers over the paper he went up and down the sides of the paper the edges even the edges he fingered the corners
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all right he said all right let's do her he found my hand the hand with a pen he closed his hand over my hand go ahead bub draw he said draw you'll
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see I'll follow along with you it'll be okay just begin now like I'm telling you you'll see draw the blind man said so I began
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first I drew a box that looked like a house it could have been the house I lived in then I put a roof on it I had either end of the roof I drew spires crazy swell
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he said terrific you're doing fine he said I never thought anything like this could happen in your lifetime did you bub well it's a strange life we all know that go on now
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keep it up I put in windows with arches I drew flying buttresses I hung great doors I couldn't stop the TV station went off the air I put down the pen and closed and opened my fingers
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the blind man felt the round over the paper he moved the tips of his fingers over the paper all over what I had drawn and he nodded doing fine the blind man said I took up the pen again and he
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found my hand I kept at it I'm no artist but I kept drawing just the same my wife opened her eyes and gazed at us she sat up on the sofa her robe hanging
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open she said what are you doing tell me I want to know I didn't answer the blind man said we're drawing a cathedral me and him are working on it press hard he
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said to me that's right that's good he said sure you got it bub I can tell you didn't think you could but you can can't you you're cooking with gas now you know what I'm saying we're gonna
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really have us something here in a minute how's the old arm he said put some people in there now what's the cathedral without people my wife said what's going on Robert what
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are you doing what's going on it's all right he said to her close your eyes now the blind man said to me I did it I closed them just like he said are they closed
00:35:11
he said don't fudge and they're closed I said keep them that way he said he said don't stop now draw so we kept on with
00:35:23
it his fingers rode my fingers as my hand went over the paper it was like nothing else in my life - now then he said and I think that's it I think you got it he said take a look
00:35:36
what do you think but I had my eyes closed I thought I'd keep them that way for a little longer I thought it was something I ought to do well he said are you
00:35:49
looking my eyes were still closed I was in my house I knew that but I didn't feel like I was inside anything it's really something I said
00:36:09
you
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